A Day in the Life of Captain Macintosh
by Taliax
Summary: In which Captain Big Macintosh must wake up a troop of unruly guards before sunrise, survive Pluffpume's morning hyper-ramble, stop Zephyr from hitting on Tempest, and put on a show of professionalism for the Princesses. Crackfic. Includes multiple guard OCs. Written before the season 4 finale.


**A/N: This crackfic was inspired by the commission I was asked to draw by my friend Lexicon Rubicon: "Big Macintosh as a guard leading an army of guards riding windigos. And windigos riding guards." Naturally, that deserved some crackish backstory. **

Captain Macintosh stared at the horizon, where a brilliant dawn was beginning to break, and already knew it was going to be a long, long day.

His troops – all of them except Tempest, anyway – lay cuddled in a pile at the base of the hill they had camped out on. "Troops" was a generous term for the mixed assortment of unicorn, pegasus, and sarosian guards that were supposed to serve Princess Twilight in her new kingdom. Princessdom. Empire? Whatever it was called. Right now it was just a hill in the middle of nowhere, but according to Princess Celestia, Twilight's final princess test was to raise her own castle and make the land fit for cultivation.

Surely, though, that couldn't be as big of a challenge as keeping a certain group of guards in line. Last night he had praised Celestia when they finally stopped playing Truth or Dare and went to sleep, but now that he needed them awake they were snoring louder than a pack of congested timberwolves.

"EE-YUP!" Captain Macintosh called, stomping his hooves repeatedly against the hard ground. "The Princesses could be here any—"

Puffplume practically pounced on him the moment he awoke. "Good morning, Captain! Isn't the sunrise pretty? Celestia sure knows how to wake a pony up! Ooh, look at all the orange up there, it's like it's _exploding _with orange! Like an _orangesplosion!"_

"…Yup," Captain Macintosh agreed to keep the grey unicorn quiet.

At the sound of her faithful companion's hyperactive voice, Puffplume's windigo Venta galloped from over the hill with the other windigos trailing behind her, including Captain Macintosh's own windigo, Wispwhisper.

The captain smiled; at least there was _someone _on his squadron he could count on to stay sane. He nuzzled Wispwhisper's cold mane for a moment, quietly thanking her for keeping the other windigos under control through the night. Keeping watch over a squadron of guards was difficult enough without adding the usually-unruly wind spirits in the mix, however loyal they were to their individual companions.

The other guards were stirring now, nuzzled or kicked awake by their windigos. Tempest Flare wandered around from the other side of the hill, her intimidating windigo Nether at her hooves.

"Oh look, the colts are awake. I thought you might want to drool through the Princesses' visit." The turquoise unicorn rolled her red eyes and shook her matching-colored mane, which she had already brushed into its usual ruffled style that Zephyr always claimed made his heart "catch on fire and rise even hotter from the ashes." Macintosh wasn't sure that was an effective pickup line, especially since Tempest had physically caught Zephyr on fire on more than one occasion, but he knew better than to get involved in his guards' personal relations. Or any personal relationships, for that matter.

"I don't drool, do I?" Flash Sentry asked self-consciously. His motherly windigo Scipia wiped his mouth with her semi-tangible hoof.

"Yeah, you kinda do, Flashlight," Zephyr told him, failing to stifle a laugh, if he even tried in the first place. Flash pouted until he added, "Your fillyfriend would've told you by now if she cared, though."

Flash blushed pink against his orange coat. Captain Macintosh ignored them and scanned the group, mentally taking roll. Puffplume and Venta were floating around and giggling – how the unicorn could float, or how the windigo could giggle, he had no idea. Zephyr had, unsurprisingly, started flirting with Tempest while his windigo Broom clung to his back, trying to get a ponyback ride. Flash had gotten over his embarrassment and was stretching his wings in the dawn's light while his Scipia pranced in the air beside him. Moonglade was still asleep, but Aer was giving him a windigoback ride anyway. That only left Axedent and Scissiona; where were those two…?

"Captain!" The white pegasus' voice called from the top of the hill. "The Princesses are coming!"

So Wispwhisper wasn't the only one he could count on; Axedent, despite his name, often proved to be the most useful of the Canterlot Mounted Squadron, Windigo Division.

"How long?" Captain Macintosh asked. The other guards apparently hadn't noticed the warning.

"Five minutes at this pace, Captain," Axedent reported. Thank Celestia this land was so flat he could see that far.

Captain Macintosh nodded. "Troops!"

The only response he received was a startled "Hngh?" from Moonglade, who was still dozing. The sarosian never had quite adjusted to a non-nocturnal schedule…

"Hey, listen to Captain Macintosh!" Axedent told the other guards helpfully. Macintosh nodded appreciatively at him.

"I'm listening!" Puffplume sat down on his haunches and waved a front hoof. "See? I'm really good at listening. I won a listening medal once. I listened for a whole-"

"Yes, thank you," Captain Macintosh said. "Now, the Princesses will be here any minute-"

"For the hundredth time, _no, _Zephyr Mithril, you cannot, nor will you _ever _see my cutie mark," Tempest Flare interrupted by growling at the sarosian. "And it's _not _a picture of your face."

"Are you sure?" Zephyr asked, giving her a look that he probably thought was flirtatious, but was in reality just really, really stupid. "'Cause I bet you've been wearing that armor so long, you don't even remember."

Captain Macintosh tried to call for them to be silent, but Tempest's loud blast of red magic covered his words and threw Zephyr backwards into Flash, who was hovering over the group in an attempt to stay out of the way. The two stallions nearly fell onto a still-drowsy Moonglade, but Macintosh managed to push the sleepy sarosian and his windigo-pillow out of the way before they become one big pony pile. Instead it was only Flash and Zephyr that got the less-than-comfortable landing.

"Ungh… my wing…" Flash groaned.

"It doesn't hurt as long as you're looking at her," Zephyr said dreamily.

"_Tempest," _Captain Macintosh said as calmly as he could manage, "We have discussed this; I'm aware that Zephyr can be—"

"A huge pain in the flank," Tempest finished for him, tossing her mane. (Zephyr swooned, but luckily for him, Broom was there to catch him.) "If there were more mares in this squadron—"

"Um, Captain?" Axedent tapped his shoulder, hovering in midair.

"Yup?" He was glad to have an excuse to tune out the rest of Tempest's rant; after all, it wasn't like _he _got to pick his squadron.

"The Princesses are here."

Captain Macintosh closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Hopefully they hadn't seen too much…

"Ooh, look! They're so pretty!" Puffplume floated over to Princess Twilight, who was stepping out of a carriage pulled by two better-behaved pegasus guards. "Hi! My name's Puffplume! You're Princess Twilight, right? Do you like Flash as much as he likes you? I think he was dreaming about you last night; he kept talking in his sleep, something about asking you to a dance? I didn't know he could dance. Can you dance? I can't—"

Princess Twilight stood there, too stunned to speak, until Captain Macintosh galloped over and (sort of) gently shoved the unicorn out of the way.

"I apologize, Princess." He removed his helmet and knelt in front of her.

"It's fine, really, there's no need for-" Princess Twilight gave up and sighed. "Big Mac, this is getting ridiculous."

"Ee-yup," he replied, glancing over his shoulder at his squadron behind him. They had _one job. _Line up with their windigos and welcome the Princesses. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently so. Moonglade yawned and stumbled into one of the statue-still guards pulling the Princesses' chariot; Zephyr and Tempest were having an all-out boss battle for the fifth time in two days; Flash was hovering behind him and grinning shyly at Twilight; andPuffplume had approached _Princess Celestia, _of all ponies, to ramble about her beautiful sunrise.

Wispwhisper rubbed against his flank comfortingly. "Thank you," he told her.

Axedent cleared his throat, distracting Princess Celestia momentarily from Puffplume's questions about which pony was Best Pony. "Welcome, Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight."

Celestia smiled, surprising Macintosh. "Thank you, Axedent. I'm glad to see that everything is going smoothly."

Captain Macintosh stared at her in complete confusion. "Nope?"

Then she smiled at him. "Yes, Captain. If your squadron has been this loud and not attracted any creatures of malicious intent, this land is safe to inhabit."

If he was talking to anyone but the Princess, he would have gaped. "Your majesty?"

She laughed quietly. "Thank you for your service. You may return home if you wish, or you may stay for the ceremonies."

He looked quizzically at Twilight, who shrugged.

"Nope," he answered, ignoring the chaos behind him, and rode his windigo off into the sunrise.


End file.
